Mathematical proof of futility of life

First published here.
Copyright and laziness issues prevent further publication. Visit original source.

Apologies

See, I wanted to write something. Something awesome. It had all ingredients that go into writing an awesome-st post. It had a statement, premises, axioms (is there any difference between premises and axioms?) and proof. More importantly it was the offspring of an extremely potent albeit ridiculous idea that came to me either during that fuzzy zone during nights when you are almost drifting but try to convince yourself that you are awake (i.e. when you can see yourself sleeping) OR when I was on the potty. Given my tendency to remain extremely focused when in the loo, I think it was the former though I wouldn't wager my life, nay less, 100 bucks on it if I had to since I just can't remember. Therein lies the downfall of this whole thing. I just don't remember.

(On a sidenote let it be on record that in a similar situation 'cept that I am certain it was right before I fell asleep, I had this terrific idea that would have either solved the world energy problem or kept the neighborhood dog out of our backyard. Again I didn't write it down though I really wanted to and forgot what it was. However the next morning I did remember that I HAD had an idea. So if anybody out there achieves the former-we solved the latter by getting a bigger, stronger, meaner mafioso dog-let it be known that someone somewhere-me-beat you to it).

Now as I said, I didn't remember anything. Not the statement, not the premise, nothing. Whilst I sat pondering over my grievous loss it dawned on me. It wasn't myself I owed anything to. My pain lies in the fact that good people like you are deviod of this, not life changing however exciting or atleast enticing, reading.
Hence, I figured I would apologise.

True love, where art thou?

They say no man is worth a woman's tears and the only one who is, won't ever make her cry.
A play on- there is someone special for everyone. All of us believe in that. Some have found their true love and some are still in search. And then there are some who have just given up and wonder where their true love is?
This is to reassure them and their faith. There IS someone special for everyone. You got to believe in that. The reason you haven't found him/her yet, is probably because they got hit by a bus.

Of World Cup and Patriotism

"...I can't wait to cheer India in the world cup by shouting with other people (at a group showing in a nice bar) and showing my patriotism." (quoted from an online news article)
Ah. Those days are back. The days we can truly feel patriotic. It comes once in four years. And what's more. We can actually show it! I feel ya my brother. I wish I could share it with you over a pint of beer and shouting myself hoarse.
No, truly. I do want to feel that love for my country, I thought lost. To get goosebumps everytime our batsmen hit a four or our bowlers rearranged some woodwork. To sing the national song (which now I believe is the new Nike song? I am sorry, they keep changing but I promise I will remember it this time).
At the end of it all there will be glory (or not). But we would have been touched by the galant efforts of our heroes, our players. Their do-or-die attitude shall not be forgotten. When we have regained our voices, we shall remember them for hours to come (till we pass out). And wake up the next day feeling the wholeness that comes out of knowing we did for the country the last night. We were patriots.

Of scientific bull...

(I just came back from work and am in fuck all state of mind. So if this post doesn't make sense, well, it's not intended to.)
This post is inspired by advances being made in the field of AI. Everyone has seen movies in that genre and the one common thread through each is that bots are smart but emotionless bastards running on algorithms and respective responses. So why can't we simulate emotions? (Note that I am no expert on the subject and all discussions are qualitative and may have been (dis)proved long back). Since most artificial systems we know of at this age are based on electric(al)(onics) components, it becomes difficult to simulate emotions. What if one was to include chemical responses in a bot. Have a system that based on a statistical algorithm would determine the particular chemistry and generate neurological responses based on that. Aha! if you are smart at this point you ask, why even carry out the chemical process. Just simulate it and reach a decision. Of course in that case one would have to be absolutely certain of the reaction to a very high degree of precision because even a small change may alter the results. So having done all this over-my-head-driving-one-crazy-i-hate-research-damn-this-sucks crap one might just might be able to have bots in the future who would infact be human!!

Fallacies: Well, for one the crap I said about the chemical processes and precision. Even if it was not simulated but real how would you know of its accuracy. And for that matter no two human beings would probably respond in the same manner. More importantly if you have read so far, you have actually read the mindless blabberous rambling of a man who has nothing to do with a) chemistry b) biology c) electrical sciences and/or any combination of those plus a lot more. Which brings me to the biggest fallacy in the model. YOU CANNOT SIMULATE STUPID!

(*guffaw followed by boisterous laughter*)

Why I don't like Ice cream

Well for starters it is cold. I know. duh! right? What can I say. I actually don't like it 'cos its cold. I can handle fried ice cream, which strengthens my opinion (btw I had to go back and correct 'strengthens' 8 times before I got it right. Maybe cos I have one too many margarithas in me :p. its all good). Again, it interferes with the entropy of this universe. Isn't there enough disorder in this world that you got to go ahead and increase it?
(And for the scientifically challenged let me go ahead and explain it. Everytime you carry out transformation of energies or carry out a forced change in one it leads to increased disorderness named entropy.)
And thats the thing. Ain't there enough cold things around to scare the bejesus out of you? Cold people. Chilly situations (like you look under the sheets while you are sleeping to find two legs and nothing else just hanging in midair *shudder*. i hate ghosts). Cold bleak weather (yech again..). And the worst offender of them all- cold soup!! Who for the love of mankind came up with that. It's like the worst concept ever. But lets not digress. We weren't talking about soup but ice cream.
So where was I? Oh ya - I dont like ice cream. And for that matter who cares why I hate it. And who gives a damn about if I give a damn if anyone cares about it. Bottom line I dont like it , I shall not like it and nothing anyone does shall change my mind. (ok fine I am just tired and need to go to bed and this is an easy way to end it. And if you think this was all crap and not worth penning down- oh well you are right :p)

Oh my...

Reprimanded, I realise I have been writing a lot about the fairer sex and scandalous behaviour. Abashed and ,more importantly, corrected, I stand (actually sitting pretty comfortably on my couch) here promising to not bring up scandalous subjects on the bull page. I have been told the masses are not ready for me/it yet *taadaaphiiiiiishhh*. And being accurately aware of my diminishing status as an eligible bachelor, infact treading ever so slowly into gray character, I need to make amends. From now on I shall dwell into more rosier subjects and as time passes by a glossy veneer shall accumulate over the grim realities, cleansing my unfortunate being and hopefully making me more acceptable and desirable *colgate smile*.
As a starter, bereft of ideas, I ask the folks what they would like to hear about?

Love sucks

(No not like that you perv. I am sure she does and I am sure it's good, but we are NOT going to talk about that. However feel free to message me in private and leave all the details if it makes you happy.)
LOVE is like any other adventure that the male species likes to partake in. Like going hiking and finding a dark underground cave. He knows he should probably not venture inside, and he knows if he does he is mostly gonna get screwed, but he still goes in. It's in his blood/genes. 'Curiosity killed the cat'. I am sure this adage was not meant for cats at all, instead for men.
The amazing thing is the repetitiveness of this event even though the iminent dangers have been faced by many and a few have actually come out, not unscathed, but with life enough to warn the rest of the species about the darkness inside.
This behaviour proves the genetic imbibing of masochistic tendencies in the male species. To an objective spectator the whole scenario would look like this-
"I am single and happy, but do not wish to remain so."
"I have money but I feel the urge to go broke."
"I wish to have no free time for myself, and even when I am home alone and wish to kick back with a cold one, I want to be hounded by phone conversations which amount to tell-me-how-pretty-I-am."
"I wish to be enslaved into getting drinks, gifts, flowers and be left with the tiniest amount of self respect."
"I wish to be teased and tested and still end up not getting any, while I could be single and hit upon dozens of girls till I score everynight."
And even though all of us know this, we still do it. And that just totally, completely SUCKS.

Of Sex, Lies and Bull

(Disclaimer: This post is intended to prove to the world and myself that I can be serious and thoughtful. Any part of this post considered funny is purely coincidental .)

Pre-marital sex. That is the focus here. There are two categories. One- oo you look pretty in your short pink skirt-let's go back to my place-wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Second-in a serious relation, being intimate with someone.
I have nothing against one night stands, though it is only meant to release built up sexual energy. But that's not we are talking about. I am talking about the taboo, in a relation sex. Before getting into that, one has to get into the dynamics of live in relationships.
I, for one, do not understand the whole concept of spending the rest of your life with someone you haven't lived with before (and this goes not only for arranged marriages but also for 'love' marriages). Think about it. First week of your marriage and you find out that you get irritated by his/her bathroom habits-the way he/she leaves the tooth brush on the sink, leaves the toilet seat down etc. They seem like small things but it doesn't take long to build and frustrate you. So I think it is imperative that you live with that person and find out how compatible you are.
Now if we are agreed on that (and I know we aren't if you have the o-face right now with a palm in front of your mouth, but news flash-I don't care), I come to the second part-sex. On the lines of testing compatibility, one of the most important things in a relation is sex. Even if it doesn't show in the Indian society (and only because it finds a nice dark corner in the closet and hides itself), a lot of relations go sour because one of the partners is not satisfied. Marrying someone you haven't slept with just adds to that problem. Imagine finding out on your first night that he/she is gay (does happen), doesn't enjoy sex (oh believe you me), is a perv who will settle for nothing less than tying you up (lol..freaked you out didn't I). And at a time like this wouldn't you wish you had tried it out before?
The truth is, love can bring you together but it is not the only thing that keeps you together. There are a score of other things that a couple has to figure out. So why is it taboo to explore these aspects but not taboo to not do so and end up with a life of regret?

Things you wanted to know about women but were afraid to raise your hand

In short gyan for those who wish to know how to act around women. If you on the other hand wish to 'understand' women, go away. Such a thing doesn't exist.
Not to be chauvinistic, I will in turn also tell the women what men want.

1. What to do when a woman goes "We need to talk". That means shut up and don't say a word. It's like being pulled over by a cop. You stay in, give short yes or no answers and do not plead guilty until you know the crime you are being accused of.

2. If your woman hasn't talked to you for an hour and you are in the same room. Do not ask "Honey, what's wrong?" The appropriate answer is, "Honey, I know I have done something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly, that I am not fully aware of and given a chance I would like to go upto my room and think about it."

3. In bed- "I am tired". Be quiet, pull your hands back, don't put them under your pants and go to bed. It just means tommorow you better do some dishes and cleaning, get flowers or junior is going to have a hard time again.

4. "I think we should see other people." She is already seeing someone else, and if she isn't riding him yet, the whip is already out of the barn.

5. "Do you think my butt looks big in this?" Do not look up from your sports magazine, avoid eye contact and just say "No, honey, you look fantastic".

6. If you are getting ready for a party and from the bathroom you hear the words "My hair looks terrible." Go to the living room, pick up the phone, call the hosts and tell them you won't be making it tonight.

7. "You forgot what day it is, didn't you." Walk up to her, take her hands in yours, look into her eyes and with all sincerety, "No baby, how could I forget this day." Take out that spare diamond ring, that every man should carry in his pockets for such emergencies and surprise her. And believe me she will be surprised since it's not everyday she gets a diamond ring on her 15th week anniversary.

Now for those eager women, who are always wondering, "I wish I knew what he is thinking." So ladies, this is the answer, Every man between the ages of 15 and 90 is thinking the same thing. "I would like a beer and something naked."

Why do people go to work?

Coffee. Yes my friend that is the answer. I believe the sole reason people go to work, is so they can guzzle down gallons of coffee in the line of work without any regret, just as a soldier might lay down his life in the line of duty.
Think about it. Ever drove to work without your coffee mug? Ever been to a meeting without coffee? Ever talked to a client without a cup of coffee in your hand, or without offering him one?
And dont even get me started on coffee breaks! I mean c'mon. Honestly, if you spent as much time working, you would be...well, working a lot.
The only reason I can stand those long hours at work is because there is always a coffee break lurking ahead. A chance to get up from my chair and walk the distance, a whole 5 yards to the coffee maker, maybe find someone doing the same, and so we stand for a bit chatting. *ahaa, drifting away to coffee land*
So the next time you are at work, frustrated, exasperated, irritated, remind yourself of the REAL reason you are there in the first place. Coffee.